How to stop making others wrong?

As a leader, you are dealing with many different people day in and out. With some of these people you go on naturally very well, with others okay-ish and there will be people you are struggling with. That's where it gets difficult. Most likely every conversation goes along the same lines? Not resulting in satisfying outcomes. 

Perhaps you find yourself judging, blaming, finger pointing, speaking without listening, criticizing, name-calling, reacting when angry or you are defensive? Do you recognize yourself in one or more of these behaviors? 

When I tell you that it's all about empathy, active listening and compassion, you find that soft talk. You can't really relate to that, right? Keep reading if this sounds like you. 

Today, I want to shed light on an invaluable gem: Non-Violent Communication (NVC), as envisioned by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. He said: Instead of playing the game "Making Life Wonderful", we often play the game called "Who's Right". Do you know that game? It's a game where everybody loses.

I love his work and use it regularly with clients. Every criticism, judgement, diagnosis and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need. When I start digging down deeper with clients, they find this to be true for themselves. Rosenberg's transformative concept holds the power to deeply change the way you lead, communicate, and connect with others.

So, what exactly is Non-Violent Communication? At its core, NVC is a compassionate and empathetic communication process aimed at fostering understanding, resolving conflicts, and building authentic connections. It encourages you to transcend judgment and criticism, and instead, embrace empathy, honesty, and vulnerability in your interactions.

Leaders who practice NVC create environments of trust, where team members feel valued, heard, and understood. This fosters a sense of belonging and empowerment, leading to enhanced collaboration and innovation.

Moreover, NVC equips you with the skills to navigate challenging situations with grace and composure. Instead of resorting to aggression or manipulation, you can address conflicts constructively, finding win-win solutions that uphold the dignity of all involved parties. This not only preserves relationships but also strengthens them.

Words and the way we think matters. Find common ground with anyone, anywhere, at any time, both professionally and personally. Here are five actionable steps to embark on this journey:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Start by developing a deeper understanding of your own thoughts, emotions, and triggers. Mindfulness practices such as meditation and journaling can be invaluable tools in this regard. Or simply reflect about your day once you commute home. When working from home, you can decide to take a moment to reflect when you close down your laptop. Scribble down what you notice. 

2. Practice Active Listening: True communication is not just about speaking; it's also about listening with an open heart and mind. Practice active listening by fully focusing on the speaker, without interrupting or formulating your response prematurely. Validate their feelings and perspectives, even if you disagree with them.

3. Express Yourself Honestly and Empathetically: When communicating your own thoughts and feelings, strive for clarity, honesty, and empathy. Use "I" statements to express your emotions and needs without blaming or criticizing others. I often hear from (male) leaders that they see vulnerability as a sign of weakness. That's not true. Instead, it's a catalyst for genuine connection. 

4. Seek Common Ground: In conflicts or disagreements, strive to find common ground and shared interests. Focus on collaborative problem-solving rather than engaging in power struggles or arguments. By acknowledging each other's humanity and dignity, you can often uncover creative solutions that benefit everyone involved.

5. Embrace Feedback and Growth: Finally, remain open to feedback and committed to continuous growth. Reflect on your communication patterns and areas for improvement, and be willing to make adjustments as needed. Getting in front of a camera and being filmed while going through some real-life examples with an actor is one of the most powerful ways to get feedback on your communications. I've done this type of training program with a some of my corporate clients and it's the one they love most!

In conclusion, Non-Violent Communication is the integration of four things: consciousness, language, communication and means of influence. It will increase your ability to live with choice, meaning and connection. And you will be able to connect empathically with self and others to have more satisfying relationships.